I feel like it's harder to talk about something when you disappeared for a long time than when you've been doing it often. So much time passed between these normal entries that it's hard for me to choose what to write about. It shouldn't be but it is for me.
I don't know what was the last thing I mentioned about my projects the last time I talked about them. I didn't check, I prefer not to look at my old stuff.
I'm going to assume that the last thing I wrote about was my first Godot project. Well, that one's not going to be finished, not now at least. Even though it had quite a lot of work and some of the 3D models were pretty cute. It's not the game I should be making. It's not the game someone would want to see from me right now. It would be something for later, much later. In an ideal world, when I have several works out.
But something you all need to know is that that game, or rather the content of that game, is something that already exists. I need you all to assume this. I need you to know that it's something that's present, even if you can't see it. It's something that peeks out of a window while you're walking down the street, unbeknownst to you. Maybe you might come across it during your walk, you might even get to see it, but you wouldn't realize what it really is. And maybe someday you'll have that realization. Maybe you won't. Maybe I won't allow it. I think I'm going to make it easy for that to happen. I know myself and I know I can't resist the temptation to not be subtle. But I may change my mind.
I try not to reveal much for now. I have some things planned in my head about some of my ideas (which again, I may drop, I may not... Nothing's carved in stone), some would call it, the 'grand scheme of things'.
Between my first Godot project and the current one there were two other attempts. There are four in total (counting the first and the current one). Each attempt was very different and in a way none of them were abandoned. I still want to do them, but I'm not strong enough yet. Sometimes I wish they would leave my head, take a vacation and not show up for a few months. That way my brain would only think about the current one. But I'm at a point where all my ideas, present, past and future, scintillate to get my attention. I don't think this has ever happened to me before. Previously, I was the kind of person who would throw his ideas back into the sea when he found one with a bigger shell... Yet now, for some reason, the tides keep bringing them back. Agh, thank you, but I don't need you right now; hopefully the tide will bring you back when I need you.
You may have seen some of these past attempts, I've tweeted about some of them. The most visually appealing thing I ever did was this silver case-ish drama game. It's just a story I want to tell, and I refuse to let it be in any other form than video game/visual novel. This was perhaps the biggest barrier. Making it 'playable'. It should be noted that this idea was born from a game idea, without a story, and the moment I came up with the story I fell more in love with it than with the interactive part. Either way, the playable part I thought of back then was unfeasible. There's no way it can happen with just a few hands. To give you an idea, it would have to be like ten times bigger than Hypnospace Outlaw. I thought about various approaches at the time but ended up deciding it wasn't worth making it interactive, so I went with the full visual novel approach, and so it progressed. But at a certain point I stopped. I don't know why it happened. I don't remember. If I had to bet, I'd say I still don't know how to write well enough for what I want to do with it. It's an idea that even to this day has a lot of holes in it. I would love to make it one day. I feel that, done well, a lot of people would like it a lot. That's why I have to wait until I can do it 'right'.
I don't know how long or what happened until the next attempt. It was a mixture of ideas that came up in the past, that mutated in my head to the point that it doesn't seem what it originally was. The only thing it lacked was form. Luckily, it's the kind of project that could fit into any form, with only one condition: it had to be an action game. This was good, because I didn't have to deal with a (superficially) complex narrative. I could do it without being good at writing. But at the same time, it was bad, because I ran into another barrier... I suck at coding. Damn, what am I even good at, I wonder?
At first I wanted to make it a first person shooter, one of those speed shooters or whatever they're called, like Post Void without the procedural part. Cardless Neon White maybe. My main focus was the boss fights, they took up the most space in my thoughts. It's no surprise, as the premise lent itself to that: In the plot you're a hitman who has to kill a number of high profile targets. Yes, very Killer7. I'd go so far as to say it's more No More Heroes, but in my mind both were very present.
Eventually I realized that I wasn't liking how the shooter was looking. I don't know if it was that the stage I had in mind for the first chapter wasn't working or how horrible the AI of the enemies was. Something discouraged me and made me leave it there.
I think I did Flower for September after that, a blog entry rather than a piece, but I consider it part of a greater whole, in my mind at least.
After that, I returned to that project again, with a new approach. I'd like to say its name. It's one of the rare cases where I'm sure of a title choice before I finish it (or start it in this case). I always have that fear of someone stealing it or something, but at the same time I feel like if I don't go and reveal it beforehand, someone might come up with the same name and I wouldn't have evidence to complain about it... haha. This also happens with my ideas in general.
The new approach I took was to make it a 2.5D side-scroller shooter, keeping the high-speed. And again I advanced quite a bit, to the same point as the previous iteration, I would say. And like the previous iteration, I also hit the same wall: that I didn't like the stage, that the AI of the enemies was shitty, that it didn't feel good to play it. I realize that I have no way to do it, by myself at least. I don't have that precision with programming to pull it off, I'm not a numbers guy. It's also something similar to the first project I mentioned, where the theme, the subject matter, lends itself to be something for the future, when I already have other things out. So it was put in the drawer. For when I can pay someone to do those parts that are hard for me.
And we arrive at the current project. I already mentioned in a tweet what I believe about this project. I feel like it's not something that's 'good' but it's something I can do. I think I'll be able to finish it. To be honest, I haven't started with the narrative part yet, I don't know how that will go, but the gameplay is already cooked. For stage one at least. As I said, it's something that won't surprise anyone, it won't change anyone's life... but in my mind, it's already part of a mythology that doesn't exist yet. I think it could turn out to be a piece of something interesting. That's how I decided it. This is going to be the first beam. The first beam of a gigantic house. The previous projects are going to come back, others that I have in my mind will appear too. I want them all to be there eventually, I don't know in what order yet, but they are all important. Someday, when I'm able, I'm going to get people onboard and we're going to make them together, but first I have to prove that I can do something, anything (I have this irrational feeling that I can't allow people to work on this if they don't like what I'm working on, even if I pay them.) This doesn't mean I don't have passion or love for the project I'm currently doing. All I'm saying is that it's not good. If you know, you know...
I'm going to finish all of chapter one and that will be a 'demo' for a few select people. In fact, I may consider showing it in a video. I want to know your opinions. There is a conflict in me about this, to tell you the truth. I like the idea of releasing it in episodes (some things that I really like were children of this format, those that were able to change their course towards perfection from the back-and-forth with the audience, see Umineko, BrBa/BCS, etc.) but I have three endings in mind and I think it would be very complicated to try to track what the player does if it is divided into five releases. So for now, the 'demo' will be chapter one and later on I will see if I can fulfill that wish with just that.
With this, everything I wanted to say has been said. I could write more often here. Actually I think I don't care about writing in this diary. Posting often is something I don't want to promise but may happen since I'm trying to establish a writing habit. I'm keeping daily habits in a more strict way and so far I'm doing well with the ones I chose in the beginning (progressing on the current project and doing something culturally rewarding every day). Now I'm squeezing a bit of writing in between these habits, so, while I'm not promising anything, maybe more things will be posted here (this very entry was born out of that). I can even say that some strange ideas for special entries have already crossed my mind... But I am not promising anything for now. It's not my focus.
Before going, the last thing I want to mention is that the message box in this site is still working and I read all your messages. I haven't replied to them because... well, I was absent, but I read them all and I might start replying to them on twitter. Thank you.
It's been a while. Thank you all for your messages. I've been reading them even though I haven't replied to them. I was thinking about water...
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